Actually, I can only think of two. The one I almost took when I failed to turn up for an appointment last week, and failed to ring her all week to explain, and was sorely tempted just never to turn up again; and the more civilized one which I actually took this morning, which was turning up and giving a month’s notice.
It’s not that she’s been a bad therapist. I’m sure she’s a fine one – for someone else. With me, she had the clear disadvantage that I went to her in a panic after the lovely therapist I’d been seeing for ten years died suddenly; in fact I’d already been seeing her as a spiritual director, and only wanted her to recommend a new therapist, but she said ‘You could see me for therapy instead of direction’ and I clutched at it like a drowning woman at a straw.
The irony is, I’d already left my old therapist before she died. We agreed that what we were doing wasn’t therapy any more, it was just a nice chat once a fortnight; and that I was ready to go it alone. Then, a few months after she died, I started to get depressed again and rushed into the first opportunity that offered. I suppose she could never compete with a woman who’d died and thus become without faults.
Although I feel the relationship never worked because of our respective personalities, I still mainly think the method of therapy didn’t suit me. She worked psychodynamically and I found it a really strange way of approaching things, after my old therapist who was integrative, eclectic and somewhat Jungian (as well as doing art therapy which I really appreciated at first).
The psychiatrist I saw on Tuesday has referred me for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which has about a 6-8 month waiting list. The therapist I’m leaving is very dubious about the benefits of CBT for me. However, I really do have to make up my own mind about this.
It’s all somewhat scary!