Glimpsesofcolour

So… yesterday lunchtime was lunch with the potential spiritual director. Only it turns out she is moving to Scotland so I suspect this is not going to work… Last night was the beginning of an assessment with the Cognitive Behaviour Therapist (hard work but I am encouraged). Today lunchtime (instead of lunch) was a second meeting with the body therapist whom I will not be seeing again because she’s not really seeing clients any more. But it was worth seeing her because she had some really helpful things to say. After that I took myself out to lunch as I felt I deserved it.

Looks like I will be starting therapy soon with the CBT lady. We share the (mixed) experience of having a Jewish mother. Only in her case I suspect she has a Jewish father too. I think she is going to be good.

Have now finished reading the book for which I’m providing a cover quote, and am very impressed. Not to mention that I found some comments in it by one of our very own Wibloggers. It has also given me an ace idea for promoting my own depression book, and maybe helping some more people too. I have so many brilliant ideas at the moment that I will have to be very strict with myself about not taking on too much at once. Including an idea for another blog, but as I struggle to keep up with this one, I think I’ll be giving that a miss.

Have just discovered on sorting through my emails that I had completely forgotten being asked to do a cover quote for a forthcoming book on being an LGB Christian. Fortunately the deadline is still a couple of weeks away, so there’s still time for me to read the book. Judging from chapter one, it is going to be really good. Don’t know the publication date yet, so can’t give any further details.

I have no idea why they asked me. Unless they have found out about my lifetime habit of falling in love with gay men. Perhaps they just thought I would be someone who wouldn’t have a knee jerk conservative reaction.

Now that I’ve recovered from the summer and its various aftermaths (is an aftermath something you do to relax after a maths lesson?), I am beginning to get enthusiastic about w*rk again. Trouble is, I have three to four books which I’d like to be writing all at once! I’m sure this will wear off…

Meanwhile I have typed up two of the three poems I drafted at the weekend. I think one is almost ready to send to a competition.

I’ve just had a play around with widgets (it’s legal over 21) and added a tag cloud. Not quite sure what to make of the fact that the two most frequent tags I’ve used are Christmas and depression. Unfortunately it’s not sophisticated enough to tell me whether I am in the habit of using both together…

Have just returned from a fabulous retreat at St Cuthman’s, a beautiful 17th century house with enormous lake and gardens, where they don’t do anything organized but just give you a comfortable room, masses of lovely food and the run of an extremely good library. What they hadn’t laid on for me this weekend, but someone did, was utterly gorgeous weather all day for two days. All I did was sit in the sun in the garden (had to use a sunshade as it was too hot!) and read. Managed to devour two and a half spiritual books and one and a half novels. This could have resulted in spiritual (or literary) indigestion but didn’t, as I actually took them very slowly and kept stopping to think.

As a result of the thinking I also drafted three poems (well, I think one of them is more or less finished) which is more than I have done in the last four years. I think I need beautiful places and good books to write poetry.

I didn’t get actual indigestion either, despite the lavish food. Then on the way back I went straight to the Mennonite Centre where there was a delightful party to welcome the former director and his wife who were passing through on holiday. We sat out in the garden with candles in jars and had a great time chatting to various other old friends who had gathered to see them. We also gave them advance notice that we want to visit them in Elkhart, Indiana next year!

Now I have returned to almost 70 emails and a double booking for lunch. Am back pedalling furiously and trying to stop myself taking on lots of new and interesting commitments which I know I won’t be able to sustain. Even if I am not bipolar, my moods certainly behave rather like it…

Shouldn’t it be officially seen as bad manners to gloat on Facebook or Twitter (or indeed in a blog) about what a wonderful time you are having, and how God is blessing you in all sorts of ways (which of course demonstrates that you must be especially in God’s favour)? Surely it is the online equivalent of those irritating Christmas letters all about how your toddler has just reached Grade 8 violin and your teenager is crocheting her own PhD?

I do confess that I am in the habit of sending an irritating Christmas letter myself, but I make a particular effort (and let’s face it, I don’t have to try too hard) to be honest in it about the everyday struggles and heavily disguised blessings. And I trust I have never been guilty of online religious boasting. At which point one of you will probably look in my archive and prove me wrong.

I’m feeling generally much better, and have had a couple of productive days getting urgent admin done and making sure I get out of the house every day (lunch with a friend yesterday which was nice). Today I went to see a therapist to talk about possibilities; she was really nice but can’t take me on at the moment as she doesn’t have a vacancy. However she might help me find another therapist, possibly doing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for those who aren’t in on the acronyms).

It was a bit painful telling my story; I didn’t really intend to tell her so much but she kept asking questions, and as they were perceptive rather than intrusive ones, I didn’t mind. But it made me realize that if I am going to visit more than one therapist for a ‘tryout’, I may have to tell it several times, and I don’t really like this idea. Perhaps I am less compulsively confessional than I used to be.

Meanwhile the saga of Genius Brat’s new girlfriend carries on (have I already mentioned GB’s new girlfriend? It’s only been since last week). She’s in the year below him at school and seems like a nice girl, and also seems eager to see him at every available moment. It’s very sweet. She came to dinner the other night, and he is going to her folks for dinner tomorrow; now he’s mysteriously left the house saying only ‘I’m going out’ (is that acceptable at fifteen? I am discovering we’re in a whole new ball game now). She’s been off school sick (as he was yesterday) so perhaps he has gone to minister to her on her bed of sickness. Hm, maybe that doesn’t sound so good – how can I rephrase it?

Sadly, her family are moving to Oxford in the near future. I suppose he will just have to discover the lost art of writing letters. OTOH there is Skype, and MSN, and email and Facebook ….I keep forgetting how easy it is to keep in touch these days.

Looking back at my last entry it really does seem a little ungracious – I can only say, never underestimate the power of a Jewish mother. Even if she is 94 – dear old lady just doesn’t describe it. I finally phoned her yesterday and she didn’t mention anything about our previous conversation or the fact that I hadn’t phoned, so I think she knew she was in the doghouse. We seem to be talking civilly again anyway.

Have just finished reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning (whom I believe to have been a Greenbelt speaker in the past). One scary book. I am trying in small ways to practise the kind of trust he recommends. The trouble is, my current inclinations are so bolshie that it is very difficult to trust God, or indeed to feel well-disposed towards God. Church is not a happy experience for me just now, which is such an unusual feeling for me, since I normally love my church, that I don’t quite know what to do with it. I shall keep turning up and hoping God does too, as even if I am feeling my faith to be at zero, I do still love being with the people. Even if the depressed voice inside says they all hate me (rationally I know this not to be true, but depression does these things). Off to eat some worms now…

Well, I’ve seen the doctor and he’s promised to do another psychiatrist referral. What good that will do remains to be seen, but at least someone is taking some notice.

Meanwhile I am feeling considerably worse than yesterday, after a phone call in which my mother nagged me unceasingly about getting The Grouch to go private for his prostate probs. How can a little old 94 year old cause so much trouble? I’m caught between the two of them and I honestly don’t know what my own opinion on the matter is, just that I don’t want to be nagged any more. As a result I went to my singing class in an utterly foul mood, (though the singing did cheer me up a bit) and I am probably not going to ring her for several days, because I just can’t take the pestering. So she’ll worry about me, but that’s tough – it’s her own fault. Sometimes forgiveness takes a little time…

I don’t often quote myself, but about three posts ago I apparently wrote this: ‘I don’t think I am going to go into another post-holiday depression’. What was that about pride and falls?

Basically I’ve been feeling totally horrible since the end of last week, partly triggered by a big upset with Genius Brat last Thursday. Also not helped by the fact that on Sunday at the church visitor drop-in with no visitors, I foolishly volunteered to play Dutch Blitz (it’s a Mennonite thing) against possibly the fastest player in the Mennoverse. Everyone else was slamming down cards at the speed of light and I was sitting there staring at my cards and wondering what they were for… I dropped out after the first round and went and locked myself in the loo and howled. Later a friend found me on the stairs and listened to me for a long time – our church is good at that.

Have been mostly sleeping since that time, but did manage to send off some extracts of my published work yesterday to a lady who wants to publish them in a Christian writers’ mag. This was actually my only really urgent task, so that counted as a good day.

Also managed to get out of hosting a dinner party for US friends on Thursday while The Grouch is having a church elders’ meeting; instead someone else who wanted to see them too is hosting it. I really would like to start having friends round for dinner more, but this is not the right moment. And I have cancelled my sermon for Sunday – if no one else volunteers to do it, we will have a service without a sermon. It won’t kill anyone.

I think I am on the upward curve now but still taking things very easy. I really do wish a psych would diagnose me as type 2 bipolar – it would explain the ups and downs so much better.

So. Everything was going well, GB was back at school and, amazingly, did his homework the minute he came home, and I was getting to grips with the pile of urgent admin that has been urgent for at least a year. I was all set to go to a theological forum today and tomorrow, and had even read the emailed copies of today’s indigestible papers. Then I woke up this morning and found a boy in my bed, making little grumpy noises. Turns out he was feeling ill and achy. Thoughts of possible swine flu (although I think he has probably already had it) made me feel I couldn’t possibly leave him alone at home ill, and I was feeling pretty exhausted myself at the thought of academic papers and discussion all day. So I rang the school and the conference organizers, and spent the morning messing about online while my cleaner cleaned, and the afternoon asleep. Meanwhile GB, as I might have known, declared he was feeling better. No swine flu then.

This means that in the event of his being fit for school tomorrow (which is likely), I have to decide whether I can spend the day catching up on a forum of which I have missed more than half, when I am still feeling pretty foul myself. Also I have just sent a really rude email to my bank (starting with Dear Stupid Banker!) about which I now feel really ashamed, and don’t feel like showing my face in public at all.

But really – what am I to say to a bank that sends me my user name for online banking, promises I will have a password within five days, and I still haven’t got it two months later; then when I email to point this out, and they reply to say it will be sent in the next five days, they then send me an anonymous email saying that as I have not yet activated my online banking I will have to ring them up! But the reason I haven’t activated online banking is that THE IDIOTS HAVEN’T SENT ME MY PASSWORD YET!

What kind of numpties work at these places – don’t they read their own correspondence? But still I feel bad because they are a nice ethical bank and I ought to be forgiving, and I am supposed to be non-violent in deed and word… Let’s just hope they laugh at ‘Dear Stupid Banker’…